A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box....."
(Those usages people keep telling you are wrong but which are actually standard in English.)
Split infinitives
For the hyper-critical, “to boldly go where no man has gone before” should be “to go boldly. . . .” It is good to be aware that inserting one or more words between “to” and a verb is not strictly speaking an error, and is often more expressive and graceful than moving the intervening words elsewhere; but so many people are offended by split infinitives that it is better to avoid them except when the alternatives sound strained and awkward.
Does your English come across as too polite? While formal language is essential with your boss and your customers, you would sound strange to your friends if you speak with them in the same way. To tone down your English for life's casual situations, check out these tips.
Meetings and greetings
Do you ask everyone you see, "How do you do?" Though quite common in days past, today it's only appropriate in very formal situations - not with your friends. In most situations, choose a more common phrase like, "How are you?" With friends, you could also say, "Hey, what's up?" or "How's it going?"
Wining and dining
"Would you mind passing me the salt, please?" It's always important to remember your manners, especially when you're eating with business associates or important guests. But when you're just grabbing a bite to eat with friends, and you need the salt, it's quite OK to just say, "Hey, pass the salt."
Coming and going
You receive an urgent message during an important meeting, so you ask, "Would you excuse me for a moment, please?" But what if you're with your friends? Just tell them to "hang on a sec" or say you'll "be right back." Remember, it's not always impolite to be informal.
Didn't hear it?
Your customer is speaking to you, but you didn't understand what she said. Don't panic. Just be polite and say, "Excuse me, but would you mind repeating that?" On the other hand, in more casual situations, just ask, "Come again?" or "What did you say?"
Good impressions
"This is quite an impressive abode, my dear." This is a formal way to tell people that you really like their home. If you're over at a friend's place, however, there's no need for such serious language. Your friends would be perfectly happy to hear you exclaim, "What a cool place, man!"
The worst day in Dad's life.
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers, which she ended by saying.
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the
end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE.
He asked "What?”
She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died".